


‘cause lately i’ve been craving more

by superlyns



Category: Super Junior, Super Junior-M
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2018-02-20 02:25:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2411549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superlyns/pseuds/superlyns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>han geng likes to think of it as a learning curve: it had started off hard, harder than he had expected it to be and then slowly, very slowly, it had became easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	‘cause lately i’ve been craving more

> someday my pain, someday my pain, ****
> 
> will mark you.  
>  harness your blame, harness your blame,  
>  and walk through.  
>  (what might have been lost)

 

  
_[2003-2005]_

There are things he has to learn when he first sets foot on Korean soil. Han Geng tries to make a list of the most important ones while he’s on the plane.

#1 learn enough Korean to be able to get through everyday life,  
#2 b-

He doesn’t get further than that because he feels the tiredness in his eyes and decides to sleep. The last few days had been very busy, spent preparing for his departure to Korea and consequently wrapping things up in China. He had barely gotten enough sleep lately and he knew it was only the beginning.

 

 

“This will be your room.”  
“He’s your sunbae, you must always address him with respect.”  
“Hello, I’m going to be your vocal coach.”  
“Five, six, seven, eight and one, two, three, four- no Hankyung, you must step with your right foot not the left one.”

Han Geng nods, tries his best to translate everything back into Chinese in his mind and then nods again, with more confidence when he thinks he’s gotten the gist of it and even harder when he didn’t understand a thing. He used to get people to repeat things for him in the beginning but after five months in Korea, everyone had gotten tired of it and wondered how on Earth could his Korean still be this poor. Han Geng had chalked it up on the fact that he was too tired from his endless dance practices and singing training to pay attention during his Korean class and to find time to study his vocabulary.

“Study during your commute,” someone had told him. Han Geng had opened his mouth to ask what _commute_ meant but then decided to nod instead.

 

 

“It’ll get better,” Han Geng tells his mother over the phone, to comfort both her and himself - it seems to work on her with the thousand of miles separating them. Han Geng realizes that at least, he’s learnt one thing since he arrived to Korea: lying to his mother. “It has to get better anyway, or else they’ll kick me out.”

Han Geng changes topics quickly, asks about the weather and other inane things just to hear someone talk to him in Chinese.

 

 

They don’t kick him out. The training intensifies through the weeks, months, years, and soon Han Geng is gathered into a room with eleven other boys. “These are going to be your bandmates,” some executive Han Geng had seen a couple of times says, “you’re going to debut as Super Junior 05. This will be a rotational group-” Han Geng doesn’t understand anything that’s said after this but it’s okay, he’s gotten the first sentence and he decides that’s all he needs to know.

 

*

 

_[2005-2006]_

Things don’t get easier after debut. It doesn’t help that the person Han Geng best goes along with in his group is also the only one who refuses to make any effort when talking to him in Korean. Things get lost in translation very often and lately, Han Geng has started to smile instead of nodding when he doesn’t understand. Heechul smacks him on the head whenever Han Geng flashes him his brightest smile, seeing right through it.

“You have no idea what I’m saying, right? Why do I even bother talking to you, why did they even put you in this group, these are things I wonder everyday.”

Han Geng answers with a small smile.

“What if I kissed you?” Heechul thinks out loud, exaggerating the way he strokes his chin with one hand. Han Geng’s smile falters.

Later, as Han Geng covers his shoulder blades with kisses, Heechul decides that Han Geng doesn’t suck _that_ much at Korean - at least, by Heechul’s standards, he knows some _very_ useful vocabulary.

 

*

 

_[2006-2008]_

The next two years bring in a series of firsts: first blowjob, first fight, first time having sex, first anniversary - the usual milestones. Heechul keeps a mental list of other firsts: first time time Han Geng falls asleep on his shoulder on the van, first time they take a selca together, first time Han Geng orders for both of them at the restaurant and gets him his favorite dishes. Heechul used to think of himself as a pretty independent person, or at least not the kind of person making mental lists of insignificant things. Things have changed ever since he debuted and so did they for Han Geng.

Han Geng likes to think of it as a learning curve: it had started off hard, harder than he had expected it to be and then slowly, very slowly, it had became easier. Being in a relationship with one of his bandmates surprisingly made things more bearable. The loneliness he’d felt during his first years in Korea, the tiredness he’d felt after hours spent training at the SM Entertainment headquarters, the competitive spirit he’d had to go through every single day to secure a future for himself in the music industry - they’re still here, every day, every second, but having someone he can fall back on and a shoulder to drool on when they’re tossed from schedule to schedule and a hand to squeeze just to prove himself that he’s still alive when he’s running on three of sleep caught two days before, well, it eases things.

 

*

 

_[2009]_

This is the year during which Heechul adds things to his mental list he wished he’d never have to witness:  first time he hears Han Geng choke back his tears on the phone, first ti- Heechul tries to erase them from his memories. This is not the turn of events he had expected. Heechul had expected things to go smoothly; being in a relationship with Han Geng was a big enough change in his life and he was only just starting to get used to it. He’d gotten used to waking up thirty minutes earlier to avoid getting caught in the same bed (“You _never_ do that, I’m the one lacking sleep because of you, I’ve got enough of this, next time we’re sleeping in my bed and _you_ have to leave at 5am,” Han Geng had once told him, his Korean ever so soft-spoken and his anger not coming quite across because of it), he’d gotten used to having to keep his hands off Han Geng during public events where fanservice wasn’t part of the guidelines given by management (and to the quickies in bathroom stalls of TV studios), he’d gotten used to the constant buzzing of his phone whenever they were on different schedules (text messages in broken Korean and romanized Chinese because Han Geng hadn’t figured out how to activate the Chinese keyboard on his cellphone, to which Heechul answered with one-syllable words only or ridiculous emoticons).

 

 

Heechul starts wondering if things would have been different if he’d been the one getting up earlier. Maybe those extra minutes of sleep would have helped, maybe they would have made a difference, maybe they would have changed the (his, their) world. Heechul realizes that Heebum’s been meowing at his feet for a good twenty minutes now, asking for food. He drops his cellphone in the kitchen sink and it falls right into a saucepan full of water - it’s better this way. He can effortlessly forget the last text message he’d read and even convince himself that it never existed.

_i’m leaving. sorry._

_don’t._  
Heechul never gets to send an answer.

 

*

 

_[2010]_

The learning curve Han Geng had been following doesn’t disappear but this time there’s no one beside him - except there is but it just doesn’t feel quite right. This is where the learning curve gets steeper and Han Geng starts to add things to that list he had started making while on the plane to Korea what seems like centuries ago:

#1 learn enough Korean to be able to get through everyday life,  
#2 b-  
#3 being hooked up to a IV drip more than 3 days a week isn’t okay,  
#4 don’t get too attached, you might not stay long,  
#5 learn how to get over a heartbreak - it might come in handy,  
#6 leave when-

Except he can’t add that last one because leaving had never been an easy option, especially when he’d gotten romantically involved with someone so different from him yet so close.

 

*

 

_[2010-2011]_

Another series of firsts Heechul mentally makes a list of: first time realizing you can actually become dependent on someone, first time standing on stage again with everyone (minus one), first time realizing someone else’s pain can mark you. Heechul did use to think of himself as pretty independent person and that’s why being thrown into a group with eleven and then twelve and then fourteen other boys had sounded like madness to him.  
Here’s one thing Han Geng realizes over the years they spend together: as independent as he claims to be, at times, Heechul feels as lonely, if not lonelier, as him. Heechul craves attention, does his best to shine despite the fourteen boys surrounding him that he deems way more talented than him. When he thinks about the whole ordeal, Heechul feels a bit selfish thinking that the only thing he misses from Han Geng is the attention he received from him. Later, he figures it’s better to believe that this is the only thing he misses. It helps him to cope - maybe, not really.

 

*

 

_[2012]_

Heechul never forgets the way something in his heart twitched in that split second before he dropped his cellphone into the sink. Another first.

 

 

 

_________________


End file.
